Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Oh, the People You'll See at RHV
Just realized this never got posted on the blog. Probably should put it up here, considering it's the reason we started this thing.
Hold your breath, here we go!
After talking to Yuzo at work today, I started thinking of the various people the fuelers at the airport deal with on a daily basis. I decided to put a list together of some of the more entertaining, or interesting people, and maybe some recollections of run ins with them. Feel free to comment on the note, and I'll add anecdotes accordingly.
Crazy Andrew:
Homeless guy #1 who washes airplanes. I'd heard a lot of stories about Crazy Andrew, but didn't meet him until I'd worked here for 2 years. The second I saw him, I knew who he was without introduction. In fact, you can imagine him in your head right now too. He's exactly how a Crazy Andrew should look. Known for standing behind running aircraft and "chomping fumes," as well as showing up at 1am out of nowhere to scare the bejesus out of you after a night flight. Also known for asking people "What kind of airplane are you today?"
That Clown-Haired guy with the Cessna Cardinal:
This guy seriously creeps me out. Might be homeless too, gauging by the amount of crap in his van and airplane. Seriously, who needs a porta-potty in a Cardinal? Does he use it in flight, or just on the ramp at the airport? Always moving, this guy is seriously shifty. And that hair. . . weird.
The Man With No Brains:
Proof that age and wisdom are not a packaged deal. Known for sitting in N1455X with the engine running for a half hour, blocking the whole ramp. Also known for asking the dumbest questions ever. And he stutters. Example:
TMWNB: Uh, Uh, uh, um, uh, uhhhhhh, uh, I can't get the cover off of the cigarette lighter.
Warn: It doesn't come off
TMNWB: Uh, um, ummmm, uh, I need to use it.
Warn: Well, it doesn't work. What do you need it for?
TMNWB: Uh, uhhhhh, um, uh, um, I need to plug in my GPS.
Warn (and the whole office): Dude, it has a Garmin 430 built into the panel!
or:
TMWNB: Hey, is the Arrow leaking gas because you just filled it all the way to the top and then I moved it out of its parking space so now it's on a slope and the gas is draining out of the fuel vent?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Gregorio:
Our other homeless plane washer. Makes far more money than the fuelers, actually. Known for never shutting up, singing Madonna songs in the office, taking a half hour to write a three line email, pimping out his bike, wearing tons of reflective clothing, and loving to check the price of gold on the internet. He has no gold, but he does have a small pocket scale. Wonder what he really sells, hmmmmmmm.
Gregorio Quotes:
"No work in your computer" (Translation: You're stupid)
"Good Morning" (No matter what time of day or night it is)
Yuzo:
Awesome. The perfect Japanese flight instructor. A blackbelt in some sort of martial art, and also a blackbelt at being awesome. Always wears a tie when he instructs. ALWAYS. Depending on the season, its topped by a nice pastel sweater or sweater-vest. Also smokes like a freight train hauling a boxcar full of burning tires. The man must get hypoxic at 200'.
Awesome Yuzoisms that I have witnessed:
Walking towards me pumping gas with cigarette in hand. Stops walking, looks at cigarette, looks at truck. Takes a puff, holds cigarette behind him as far as he can stretch, and continues walking towards the truck. Good thing he added that extra 3 feet.
Walks to the Seneca to check the gas. Realizes his cigarette might blow his face off when he opens the cap. Sets cigarette on the ramp 20' from the Seneca. Walks over, checks gas. Walks back to cigarette, picks it up, and continues smoking. Thats dedication right there. Make him the Marlboro Man.
Known for saying: "Is that-a right?"
Greg Spades:
From a long, proud line of military men comes this epic black sheep of a son. Runs Nice Air's fuel services, and lives in a trailer at the airport. Always wears a Hawaiian shirt, jeans, and Birkenstocks. Knows every bit of airport rumor, speculation, and gossip. If you want to find something out, ask Spades.
Known for: formation fuel truck driving with us, trying to park his truck in our way as much as possible, and for playing chicken in his fuel truck with ours. I admit to nothing.
The Airport Ops guy with Terets:
Does he really have Terets Syndrome, or is he just extremely angry all the time? I argue that he is both. Drives a Jimmy festooned with Hawaiian stickers, and listens to Hawaiian music in the County Office while swearing loudly and profusely at his computer. He never just swears, he yells when he swears, no matter who is around. Comedy gold.
Famous Quotes:
"These pancakes are effin' delicious, I think they put crack in them"
"Effin' tractor!"
and a whole bunch more that I simply can't make decent.
Evil Steve:
The world's angriest Air Traffic Controller, and the bane of every student pilot. Pure concentrated anger. Known for tearing into pilots and arguing with them over the radio. Once held Garret in the taxiway between the parallel runways for 15 minutes because he said "holding short of thirteen left" instead of "holding short of one three left." FAA finally forced him into retirement.
Those People Who Live on Row Hotel:
Really nice people, but apparently they took the name "Row Hotel" a bit too seriously. I think they spend more time at the airport than some of the people who actually live at the airport. Have some hilarious matching Vespas, which they ride around the airport to buy cheap sodas from the Squadron Two vending machine. You know you spend too much time at the airport when you have a license plate that reads "CUATRHV."
The Shirtless Man:
Has a really nice Lanceair. Also owns no shirts during the summer, apparently. Refuses to pay with anything but cash, because of a billing mixup 10 years ago. Although he pays cash, and has ridiculous demands he never tips. Not that we deserve it, but hey, if I have to spend 20 minutes putting 15 gallons of gas into your Lance, hook me up dude.
The Guy with the Purple Honda Goldwing:
Don't know much about him, except his motorcycle weighs more than my Lincoln. Cruises around blasting smooth jazz through the onboard speakers. You know your motorcycle is too heavy if it has a reverse gear.
Stretch:
Ah, Stretch. Now this is the kind of crazy that I want to be when I'm old. Always wears flannel shirts, jeans, sunglasses and redwing boots. Cuts his hair and sideburns about twice a year. Flew B-52s in the 60's, has some interesting stories about doing 500 knots at 200'. (Now thats an epic message drop.) The man has done some flyin'. Currently flies an aerial survey Aero Commander. The Commander is nicknamed the Exxon Valdez because of the epic amount of oil on, in, under, and around it. Has quite the automobile, a mid 80's Oldsmobile. The backseat is filled up to the windows with old Trade-A-Planes. It's so heavy that the back suspension is completely compressed. After every flight drinks something from bottle/can from a brown bag. What could it be? Mickeys? Olde English? Strawberry Nesquik? Frequently flies AFTER drinking from his dubious brown bag as well. FARs need not apply. Rarely speaks, just gives the thumbs up when you tell him how much gas the Commander has taken.
I will pay somebody $10 to find out what is in that bag. Seriously.
Hold your breath, here we go!
After talking to Yuzo at work today, I started thinking of the various people the fuelers at the airport deal with on a daily basis. I decided to put a list together of some of the more entertaining, or interesting people, and maybe some recollections of run ins with them. Feel free to comment on the note, and I'll add anecdotes accordingly.
Crazy Andrew:
Homeless guy #1 who washes airplanes. I'd heard a lot of stories about Crazy Andrew, but didn't meet him until I'd worked here for 2 years. The second I saw him, I knew who he was without introduction. In fact, you can imagine him in your head right now too. He's exactly how a Crazy Andrew should look. Known for standing behind running aircraft and "chomping fumes," as well as showing up at 1am out of nowhere to scare the bejesus out of you after a night flight. Also known for asking people "What kind of airplane are you today?"
That Clown-Haired guy with the Cessna Cardinal:
This guy seriously creeps me out. Might be homeless too, gauging by the amount of crap in his van and airplane. Seriously, who needs a porta-potty in a Cardinal? Does he use it in flight, or just on the ramp at the airport? Always moving, this guy is seriously shifty. And that hair. . . weird.
The Man With No Brains:
Proof that age and wisdom are not a packaged deal. Known for sitting in N1455X with the engine running for a half hour, blocking the whole ramp. Also known for asking the dumbest questions ever. And he stutters. Example:
TMWNB: Uh, Uh, uh, um, uh, uhhhhhh, uh, I can't get the cover off of the cigarette lighter.
Warn: It doesn't come off
TMNWB: Uh, um, ummmm, uh, I need to use it.
Warn: Well, it doesn't work. What do you need it for?
TMNWB: Uh, uhhhhh, um, uh, um, I need to plug in my GPS.
Warn (and the whole office): Dude, it has a Garmin 430 built into the panel!
or:
TMWNB: Hey, is the Arrow leaking gas because you just filled it all the way to the top and then I moved it out of its parking space so now it's on a slope and the gas is draining out of the fuel vent?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Gregorio:
Our other homeless plane washer. Makes far more money than the fuelers, actually. Known for never shutting up, singing Madonna songs in the office, taking a half hour to write a three line email, pimping out his bike, wearing tons of reflective clothing, and loving to check the price of gold on the internet. He has no gold, but he does have a small pocket scale. Wonder what he really sells, hmmmmmmm.
Gregorio Quotes:
"No work in your computer" (Translation: You're stupid)
"Good Morning" (No matter what time of day or night it is)
Yuzo:
Awesome. The perfect Japanese flight instructor. A blackbelt in some sort of martial art, and also a blackbelt at being awesome. Always wears a tie when he instructs. ALWAYS. Depending on the season, its topped by a nice pastel sweater or sweater-vest. Also smokes like a freight train hauling a boxcar full of burning tires. The man must get hypoxic at 200'.
Awesome Yuzoisms that I have witnessed:
Walking towards me pumping gas with cigarette in hand. Stops walking, looks at cigarette, looks at truck. Takes a puff, holds cigarette behind him as far as he can stretch, and continues walking towards the truck. Good thing he added that extra 3 feet.
Walks to the Seneca to check the gas. Realizes his cigarette might blow his face off when he opens the cap. Sets cigarette on the ramp 20' from the Seneca. Walks over, checks gas. Walks back to cigarette, picks it up, and continues smoking. Thats dedication right there. Make him the Marlboro Man.
Known for saying: "Is that-a right?"
Greg Spades:
From a long, proud line of military men comes this epic black sheep of a son. Runs Nice Air's fuel services, and lives in a trailer at the airport. Always wears a Hawaiian shirt, jeans, and Birkenstocks. Knows every bit of airport rumor, speculation, and gossip. If you want to find something out, ask Spades.
Known for: formation fuel truck driving with us, trying to park his truck in our way as much as possible, and for playing chicken in his fuel truck with ours. I admit to nothing.
The Airport Ops guy with Terets:
Does he really have Terets Syndrome, or is he just extremely angry all the time? I argue that he is both. Drives a Jimmy festooned with Hawaiian stickers, and listens to Hawaiian music in the County Office while swearing loudly and profusely at his computer. He never just swears, he yells when he swears, no matter who is around. Comedy gold.
Famous Quotes:
"These pancakes are effin' delicious, I think they put crack in them"
"Effin' tractor!"
and a whole bunch more that I simply can't make decent.
Evil Steve:
The world's angriest Air Traffic Controller, and the bane of every student pilot. Pure concentrated anger. Known for tearing into pilots and arguing with them over the radio. Once held Garret in the taxiway between the parallel runways for 15 minutes because he said "holding short of thirteen left" instead of "holding short of one three left." FAA finally forced him into retirement.
Those People Who Live on Row Hotel:
Really nice people, but apparently they took the name "Row Hotel" a bit too seriously. I think they spend more time at the airport than some of the people who actually live at the airport. Have some hilarious matching Vespas, which they ride around the airport to buy cheap sodas from the Squadron Two vending machine. You know you spend too much time at the airport when you have a license plate that reads "CUATRHV."
The Shirtless Man:
Has a really nice Lanceair. Also owns no shirts during the summer, apparently. Refuses to pay with anything but cash, because of a billing mixup 10 years ago. Although he pays cash, and has ridiculous demands he never tips. Not that we deserve it, but hey, if I have to spend 20 minutes putting 15 gallons of gas into your Lance, hook me up dude.
The Guy with the Purple Honda Goldwing:
Don't know much about him, except his motorcycle weighs more than my Lincoln. Cruises around blasting smooth jazz through the onboard speakers. You know your motorcycle is too heavy if it has a reverse gear.
Stretch:
Ah, Stretch. Now this is the kind of crazy that I want to be when I'm old. Always wears flannel shirts, jeans, sunglasses and redwing boots. Cuts his hair and sideburns about twice a year. Flew B-52s in the 60's, has some interesting stories about doing 500 knots at 200'. (Now thats an epic message drop.) The man has done some flyin'. Currently flies an aerial survey Aero Commander. The Commander is nicknamed the Exxon Valdez because of the epic amount of oil on, in, under, and around it. Has quite the automobile, a mid 80's Oldsmobile. The backseat is filled up to the windows with old Trade-A-Planes. It's so heavy that the back suspension is completely compressed. After every flight drinks something from bottle/can from a brown bag. What could it be? Mickeys? Olde English? Strawberry Nesquik? Frequently flies AFTER drinking from his dubious brown bag as well. FARs need not apply. Rarely speaks, just gives the thumbs up when you tell him how much gas the Commander has taken.
I will pay somebody $10 to find out what is in that bag. Seriously.
Friday, December 11, 2009
100 Low Life presents: Messin' with Sasquatch.
There's a couple new adventures for Warno, including pilot Warno!
I flew the 206 with Sean to Fresno and back the other day. On the way back it began getting dark. The weather was great, but our company requires us to be IFR after dark unless we're within the vicinity of the airport, so we called up Norcal and asked for a clearance back to RHV. Here's an excerpt from the ensuing exchange the names have been changed to protect the confused:
Us: "Norcal Cessna 1234A level at eight thousand five hundred, request IFR to Reid Hillview."
Norcal: "1234A uhhhh.... *long pause* you can expect that uhh... later."
Us: "Okay."
Several minutes pass.
Us: "Norcal 1234A, any update on that IFR?"
Norcal: "Uhh... 1234A umm... I'm confused, why do you want an IFR? Are you asking because of IMC conditions?"
Us: "Negative, we're VMC, We're just looking to pick up an IFR clearance to Reid Hillview, company policy"
I don't think he heard the company policy part.
Norcal: "1234A okay.... um.... hang on a minute"
a minute or so passes.
Norcal: "1234A weather at Reid Hillview is better than 5000 and 5."
we're giggling at this point.
Us: "We know, we'd still like to pick up the IFR."
Norcal: "Uh... okay 1234A hang on a minute."
at this point we're both thoroughly amused.
Norcal: "1234A you're cleared to Reid Hillview airport via radar vectors descend and maintain eight thousand, squawk 4243."
Us: "Cleared to Reid Hillview via radar vectors eight thousand squawk 4243"
Norcal: "Readback correct. Uh.... which approach would you like?"
Sean and I look at each other, full on laughing at this point, we know that if we say the visual his head will explode.
Us: *giggling* "We'll take the GPS."
A staff of Hollywood writers couldn't write comedy like that.
The 206H is magnificent by the way. I highly recommend it.
I flew the 206 with Sean to Fresno and back the other day. On the way back it began getting dark. The weather was great, but our company requires us to be IFR after dark unless we're within the vicinity of the airport, so we called up Norcal and asked for a clearance back to RHV. Here's an excerpt from the ensuing exchange the names have been changed to protect the confused:
Us: "Norcal Cessna 1234A level at eight thousand five hundred, request IFR to Reid Hillview."
Norcal: "1234A uhhhh.... *long pause* you can expect that uhh... later."
Us: "Okay."
Several minutes pass.
Us: "Norcal 1234A, any update on that IFR?"
Norcal: "Uhh... 1234A umm... I'm confused, why do you want an IFR? Are you asking because of IMC conditions?"
Us: "Negative, we're VMC, We're just looking to pick up an IFR clearance to Reid Hillview, company policy"
I don't think he heard the company policy part.
Norcal: "1234A okay.... um.... hang on a minute"
a minute or so passes.
Norcal: "1234A weather at Reid Hillview is better than 5000 and 5."
we're giggling at this point.
Us: "We know, we'd still like to pick up the IFR."
Norcal: "Uh... okay 1234A hang on a minute."
at this point we're both thoroughly amused.
Norcal: "1234A you're cleared to Reid Hillview airport via radar vectors descend and maintain eight thousand, squawk 4243."
Us: "Cleared to Reid Hillview via radar vectors eight thousand squawk 4243"
Norcal: "Readback correct. Uh.... which approach would you like?"
Sean and I look at each other, full on laughing at this point, we know that if we say the visual his head will explode.
Us: *giggling* "We'll take the GPS."
A staff of Hollywood writers couldn't write comedy like that.
The 206H is magnificent by the way. I highly recommend it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Guns Don't Kill People, Old Men in Bonanzas Do
With this as my evidence:
Sorry Scott, but it's true. It's more truthy than any sort of facts or statistics that the NTSB database will ever give you. The problem isn't necessarily with the aircraft itself. Nor is it with the age of the pilot alone. For some reason, putting an old man (especially a Doctor) inside that aircraft is like tossing a giant brick of potassium into a bowl of water. The Bonanza itself is a fine aircraft, and it's production run is a testament to that. However, add in an old man, and the tails start ripping off like a Superbowl Halftime outfit (A few years too late for that joke? I think not.). Conversely, the geriatric are not necessarily bad pilots in any other kind of aircraft. According to some research I just made up, at least 100% of all crashes involving Bonanzas were piloted by a senior citizen. That figure is quite remarkable in itself, but it nearly doubles when that AARP card holder holds a Doctorate in something. Coincidence? I think not. The Old Man Bonanza Club (OMBC) is truly an organization more deadly than the Hell's Angels, Crips, Bloods, and PETA combined. I strongly urge everybody who is as concerned with this aerial menace to society as I am to contact their local congressman.
Sorry Scott, but it's true. It's more truthy than any sort of facts or statistics that the NTSB database will ever give you. The problem isn't necessarily with the aircraft itself. Nor is it with the age of the pilot alone. For some reason, putting an old man (especially a Doctor) inside that aircraft is like tossing a giant brick of potassium into a bowl of water. The Bonanza itself is a fine aircraft, and it's production run is a testament to that. However, add in an old man, and the tails start ripping off like a Superbowl Halftime outfit (A few years too late for that joke? I think not.). Conversely, the geriatric are not necessarily bad pilots in any other kind of aircraft. According to some research I just made up, at least 100% of all crashes involving Bonanzas were piloted by a senior citizen. That figure is quite remarkable in itself, but it nearly doubles when that AARP card holder holds a Doctorate in something. Coincidence? I think not. The Old Man Bonanza Club (OMBC) is truly an organization more deadly than the Hell's Angels, Crips, Bloods, and PETA combined. I strongly urge everybody who is as concerned with this aerial menace to society as I am to contact their local congressman.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Cockpit Voice Recorder: US Airways 1549
Stole this from another blog, thought it was pretty hilarious.
CVR US Airways 1549
SIC: “Number two’s gone, boss.”
Sully: “I know it! What do I look like, an R-22 pilot? Just shut the f*cker down, boy. Oh, and tell Departure that we need to come back in andland. F*cking birds…”
SIC: “Sheesh, somebody got up on the wrong side of his throne this morning. You don’t have to insult me just because I got my commercial helicopter rating in the mighty Robinson. Oh, and by the way, sir, we’re not climbing, if you even care. Maybe your decision to take on that extra 5,000 pounds of fuel wasn’t so hot, Captain.”
Sully: “One more comment like that and I’ll make sure the union keeps you in RJ’s for the rest of your miserable, short career.”
Sully: “SON OF A BITCH!”
SIC: “Number one’s failing, boss.”
Sully: “I can see that! Am I a-f*cking-sleep? Can I not read the gauges? Am I not flying the plane here?”
SIC: “I’m just sayin’…”
Sully: “Goddamn Canadians, sending their f*cking geese down here every winter. Why, if I ever *see* another Canadian I’m gonna punch him right in the throat. I *HATE* Canadians.”
SIC: “Everybody does, boss. Think we can make Teterboro or straight-in to 22 at Newark?”
Sully: “Yeah, probably. But f*ck Teterboro! Let’s go to Newark. I’ve flown out of Teterboro. Short damn runways…always a crosswind. And their FBO’s suck. I’d rather land in the Hudson f*cking river than land at Teterboro.
Hey….”
SIC: “You’re not…”
Sully: “Why not? Maybe we can take out some sailboats with some prick Canadian snowbirds.”
SIC: “You ever land on the water before?”
Sully: “Plenty of times! I got my seaplane rating back in 1946. I think it was in a…Piper…somethingoranother, I forget. Never mind. It’ll all come back to me. Pull out the Before Water Landing checklist and run it.”
SIC: (flipping through the stack of checklists) “Can’t seem to find one for that.”
Sully: “Fooled ya! HAH! There ain’t one! Just get on the horn and tell the people to put their heads between their legs and kiss…no wait, thatwon’t sound good on on the CVR tape…make it, ‘brace for collision’…no wait, make it ‘brace for impact.’ Yeah, that’s better. No wait! Tell them
that out the left side of the plane they can see the Intrepid Museum, andthat if they’d like to visit it, they’ll be able to, this afternoon, like, in about twenty minutes. Oh, and ring the stews and have them bring me a rum and coke. If I’m gonna do this, I need a good stiff drink. And have that one with the big tits bring it up. If I’m gonna die, I wanna die drunk and with a boner.”
SIC: “Like your grandfather did?”
Sully: “This is no time to make jokes, son. I would really appreciate it if you’d try to take this situation seriously. I’m fairly certain that my grandfather did not die with a boner. I mean, have you ever met my grandmother?”
SIC: “You know, if you pull this off CNN will be calling you the Hero Pilot
of the Year.”
Sully: “F*ck CNN. Liberal bastards. All I care about is what the fair-and-balanced Fox News will call me. I hope Fox News calls me a hero!”
SIC: (sighing) “They probably will too. Nobody will remember *my* name. It’ll be ‘Sully this’…and, ‘Sully that.’ ‘Captain Sully, the big f*cking hero.’ Like you are the only f*cking one in the cockpit.”
Sully: “You’re quite bitter. You really are a helicopter pilot at heart, aren’t you? You know, some pilots wait their whole career to be called a hero. I mean, Christ, I’ve only got two years to go to before retirement. That was close!”
SIC: “We’re not down yet, Captain Skygod.”
Sully: “I know, this thing glides pretty well, huh? Dammit, no sailboats. Oh well, let’s see if we can buzz one of those damn sightseeing helicopters. What’s best-glide/engines out?”
SIC: “Beats the shit outta me.”
Sully: “Vref?”
SIC: “F*ck if I know.”
Sully: “Britney Spears‘ birthday?”
SIC: “December 2, 1981.”
Sully: “Well, I’m glad you know SOMETHING! Just gimme full flaps…”
[END OF RECORDING]
-Originally from: http://3lke.blogspot.com/2009/02/cvr-us-airways-1549.html
CVR US Airways 1549
SIC: “Number two’s gone, boss.”
Sully: “I know it! What do I look like, an R-22 pilot? Just shut the f*cker down, boy. Oh, and tell Departure that we need to come back in andland. F*cking birds…”
SIC: “Sheesh, somebody got up on the wrong side of his throne this morning. You don’t have to insult me just because I got my commercial helicopter rating in the mighty Robinson. Oh, and by the way, sir, we’re not climbing, if you even care. Maybe your decision to take on that extra 5,000 pounds of fuel wasn’t so hot, Captain.”
Sully: “One more comment like that and I’ll make sure the union keeps you in RJ’s for the rest of your miserable, short career.”
Sully: “SON OF A BITCH!”
SIC: “Number one’s failing, boss.”
Sully: “I can see that! Am I a-f*cking-sleep? Can I not read the gauges? Am I not flying the plane here?”
SIC: “I’m just sayin’…”
Sully: “Goddamn Canadians, sending their f*cking geese down here every winter. Why, if I ever *see* another Canadian I’m gonna punch him right in the throat. I *HATE* Canadians.”
SIC: “Everybody does, boss. Think we can make Teterboro or straight-in to 22 at Newark?”
Sully: “Yeah, probably. But f*ck Teterboro! Let’s go to Newark. I’ve flown out of Teterboro. Short damn runways…always a crosswind. And their FBO’s suck. I’d rather land in the Hudson f*cking river than land at Teterboro.
Hey….”
SIC: “You’re not…”
Sully: “Why not? Maybe we can take out some sailboats with some prick Canadian snowbirds.”
SIC: “You ever land on the water before?”
Sully: “Plenty of times! I got my seaplane rating back in 1946. I think it was in a…Piper…somethingoranother, I forget. Never mind. It’ll all come back to me. Pull out the Before Water Landing checklist and run it.”
SIC: (flipping through the stack of checklists) “Can’t seem to find one for that.”
Sully: “Fooled ya! HAH! There ain’t one! Just get on the horn and tell the people to put their heads between their legs and kiss…no wait, thatwon’t sound good on on the CVR tape…make it, ‘brace for collision’…no wait, make it ‘brace for impact.’ Yeah, that’s better. No wait! Tell them
that out the left side of the plane they can see the Intrepid Museum, andthat if they’d like to visit it, they’ll be able to, this afternoon, like, in about twenty minutes. Oh, and ring the stews and have them bring me a rum and coke. If I’m gonna do this, I need a good stiff drink. And have that one with the big tits bring it up. If I’m gonna die, I wanna die drunk and with a boner.”
SIC: “Like your grandfather did?”
Sully: “This is no time to make jokes, son. I would really appreciate it if you’d try to take this situation seriously. I’m fairly certain that my grandfather did not die with a boner. I mean, have you ever met my grandmother?”
SIC: “You know, if you pull this off CNN will be calling you the Hero Pilot
of the Year.”
Sully: “F*ck CNN. Liberal bastards. All I care about is what the fair-and-balanced Fox News will call me. I hope Fox News calls me a hero!”
SIC: (sighing) “They probably will too. Nobody will remember *my* name. It’ll be ‘Sully this’…and, ‘Sully that.’ ‘Captain Sully, the big f*cking hero.’ Like you are the only f*cking one in the cockpit.”
Sully: “You’re quite bitter. You really are a helicopter pilot at heart, aren’t you? You know, some pilots wait their whole career to be called a hero. I mean, Christ, I’ve only got two years to go to before retirement. That was close!”
SIC: “We’re not down yet, Captain Skygod.”
Sully: “I know, this thing glides pretty well, huh? Dammit, no sailboats. Oh well, let’s see if we can buzz one of those damn sightseeing helicopters. What’s best-glide/engines out?”
SIC: “Beats the shit outta me.”
Sully: “Vref?”
SIC: “F*ck if I know.”
Sully: “Britney Spears‘ birthday?”
SIC: “December 2, 1981.”
Sully: “Well, I’m glad you know SOMETHING! Just gimme full flaps…”
[END OF RECORDING]
-Originally from: http://3lke.blogspot.com/2009/02/cvr-us-airways-1549.html
Saturday, June 6, 2009
My homebuilt airplane makes me awesome!
So usually I'm a mechanic, that means I get to fix things that others break. I'm a pilot too so sometimes, on rare occasions, I get to break things before I fix them. The last few weeks have been grand, and in this story nothing gets broken.
I have a commercial multi checkride on June 18th. This requires training, so I've spent some time getting acquainted with Duchess 3724H.
On Thursday we departed Reid Hillview at around 6:00pm for Tracy. It's been a long week for Warno, so on the way there I gave a pretty laughable performance of a Vmc demo, two power off stalls, two power on stalls, some halfway decent steep turns, and a pretty damn good in flight shutdown and restart.
Upon reaching Tracy I did a couple passable normal landings, even though it was bumpy as hell, and was coming around on one engine for a single engine landing on 30 when all of a sudden "Cool Name flight of Four RV-7's" called up "5 southeast of the airport on upwind 30."
What?
If you're 5 southeast of the airport you couldn't possibly be on upwind for 30.
So after a few exchanges we finally discern that they are on a 5 mile initial for an overhead break to 30. Why the hell didn't they just say that in the first place? This, as it turns out, is just the beginning.
Meanwhile we're on final, it's bumpy as hell, and this isn't going well, so around we go. I announce upwind, and the "Cool Name Flight of four RV-7's" announces "over the numbers in a left overhead break to downwind 30."
And it begins... Flight lead begins pouring his heart out to anyone on CTAF for miles around about where he is, what his flight is called, how many RV-7's he has and what they're gonna do next. His position reports last so long that by the time he's done with one it's time for the next one... and he gives them on upwind, turning crosswind, on crosswind, turning downwind, on downwind, on downwind midfield, on downwind abeam the numbers, turning base, on base, turning final, on final, short final on the runway and on the go... lather, rinse, repeat.
I can't get "Tracy traffic 24H left downwind 30 Tracy" in edgewise... and I'm not the only one with that problem. On my next touch and go, there's enough break in the chatter for me to hear "YellowCitabriaupwind30Tracy," before the next life story issues forth!
Shit... where did he come from?
We see and avoid, and he saw us too because he offset to the side to let us pass. I'm not even mad at him because I couldn't get any of my position reports in either. "He done good," as they say.
Is it over? Oh no, now that we've done overhead breaks to 30 as a flight of four, we're going to split up into two flights of two and do overhead breaks to the runway in use by everyone else, AND the crossing runway AT THE SAME TIME.
Sean and I decide discretion is the better part of valor and retreat is the better part of discretion, and go do approaches into Livermore instead.
I can only assume that there's a smoking hole at the runway intersection in Tracy that used to be Cool Name Flight of four RV-7's... Hopefully the guy in the Citabria made it out OK!
~~Warno
I have a commercial multi checkride on June 18th. This requires training, so I've spent some time getting acquainted with Duchess 3724H.
On Thursday we departed Reid Hillview at around 6:00pm for Tracy. It's been a long week for Warno, so on the way there I gave a pretty laughable performance of a Vmc demo, two power off stalls, two power on stalls, some halfway decent steep turns, and a pretty damn good in flight shutdown and restart.
Upon reaching Tracy I did a couple passable normal landings, even though it was bumpy as hell, and was coming around on one engine for a single engine landing on 30 when all of a sudden "Cool Name flight of Four RV-7's" called up "5 southeast of the airport on upwind 30."
What?
If you're 5 southeast of the airport you couldn't possibly be on upwind for 30.
So after a few exchanges we finally discern that they are on a 5 mile initial for an overhead break to 30. Why the hell didn't they just say that in the first place? This, as it turns out, is just the beginning.
Meanwhile we're on final, it's bumpy as hell, and this isn't going well, so around we go. I announce upwind, and the "Cool Name Flight of four RV-7's" announces "over the numbers in a left overhead break to downwind 30."
And it begins... Flight lead begins pouring his heart out to anyone on CTAF for miles around about where he is, what his flight is called, how many RV-7's he has and what they're gonna do next. His position reports last so long that by the time he's done with one it's time for the next one... and he gives them on upwind, turning crosswind, on crosswind, turning downwind, on downwind, on downwind midfield, on downwind abeam the numbers, turning base, on base, turning final, on final, short final on the runway and on the go... lather, rinse, repeat.
I can't get "Tracy traffic 24H left downwind 30 Tracy" in edgewise... and I'm not the only one with that problem. On my next touch and go, there's enough break in the chatter for me to hear "YellowCitabriaupwind30Tracy," before the next life story issues forth!
Shit... where did he come from?
We see and avoid, and he saw us too because he offset to the side to let us pass. I'm not even mad at him because I couldn't get any of my position reports in either. "He done good," as they say.
Is it over? Oh no, now that we've done overhead breaks to 30 as a flight of four, we're going to split up into two flights of two and do overhead breaks to the runway in use by everyone else, AND the crossing runway AT THE SAME TIME.
Sean and I decide discretion is the better part of valor and retreat is the better part of discretion, and go do approaches into Livermore instead.
I can only assume that there's a smoking hole at the runway intersection in Tracy that used to be Cool Name Flight of four RV-7's... Hopefully the guy in the Citabria made it out OK!
~~Warno
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Adventures in Oil Changing.
I have a cold, but the college flying club 172 needs an oil change… no problem, I shall manage.
1.) Drive car to hangar and get airplane.
2.) Upon bringing aircraft over to maintenance hangar, notice that carb heat has no effect.
3.) Remove cowl.
4.) Begin draining oil.
5.) Note that carb heat control arm is broken off of shaft.
6.) Order carb heat repair kit.
7.) Remove airbox for repair, upon removal note that carburetor float bowl drains its contents through bolt holes for airbox… not a good sign.
8.) Investigate further and discover that bolt holes were drilled and tapped all the way into float bowl, this is not as its designer intended.
9.) Discover that carburetor is out of warranty by one month.
10.) Cry.
11.) Order carburetor.
12.) Cry more.
13.) Go home and go to bed.
Carb heat repair kit? – $350.00
New Carburetor – $1150.00
Turning an oil change into a major disaster on Friday before a holiday weekend? Priceless.
~~Warno
1.) Drive car to hangar and get airplane.
2.) Upon bringing aircraft over to maintenance hangar, notice that carb heat has no effect.
3.) Remove cowl.
4.) Begin draining oil.
5.) Note that carb heat control arm is broken off of shaft.
6.) Order carb heat repair kit.
7.) Remove airbox for repair, upon removal note that carburetor float bowl drains its contents through bolt holes for airbox… not a good sign.
8.) Investigate further and discover that bolt holes were drilled and tapped all the way into float bowl, this is not as its designer intended.
9.) Discover that carburetor is out of warranty by one month.
10.) Cry.
11.) Order carburetor.
12.) Cry more.
13.) Go home and go to bed.
Carb heat repair kit? – $350.00
New Carburetor – $1150.00
Turning an oil change into a major disaster on Friday before a holiday weekend? Priceless.
~~Warno
Sunday, May 17, 2009
So it begins
KRHV 172047Z 28010KT 15SM SKC 38/10 A2987
To say it was hot to day at the airport would be a massive understatement. It was the kind of hot that causes public acts of nudity to be deemed acceptable. It was the kind of hot that even kept the most hardcore of 75 year old hangar flyers at home in their Los Gatos palaces. It was so hot, that the takeoff performance of 3 loaded Cessna 152s was deemed too efficient. Thankfully the truck has the magic of wing windows, which take hot, still air, and turn it into hot, moving air.
Science!
Sometimes I feel like I'm sending people off to their death when I indulge their stupid requests. It's 100˚, you have two decent sized guys AND you want full tanks for your pattern work? I'll just go ahead and have the fire department on speakerphone for you. Yeah yeah, we can have a lengthy discussion about the importance of fuel (Thats like, your opinion, man), but if you're planning on flying for 1 hour on a perfect VFR day, I think its less safe to be overweight and out of balance than to have only 1 hour reserve when you get back.
Well, if someone crashes because of extra fuel, I'll at least get to claim another kill for the fuel truck.
That brings me to the first and second laws of fueling:
1: The only aircraft that isn't topped off will be the first one to go flying.
2: If all the aircraft are full, then someone will need a 152 topped off for patternwork.
We'd keep the 152s topped, but they just leak gas everywhere once they're full. We were putting cans to catch the drips, but then the genius smokers at the airport started flicking cigarette butts into them. Brilliant.
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